11 posts tagged “humor”

Dear dog-lovers, haters and can't sayers,

I've this dog-problem of mine. No, i do not own a dog and don't seem to be in any mood of possessing one in any near future. Anyways, being a libertarian as I am, I believe that all people, dogs, superheroes and aliens have a right to bull-shit as much as they want, as long as they do it in their own houses. But since time-immemorial, I've been an observer to an unexplained event till date, that is -- Whenever during late in the night, if I go anywhere by my bike and the road through which I'm going is perfectly or mostly empty, then the bunch of stray dogs who are sitting cozily at the roadside till that very moment, suddenly start running after my bike while barking loudly -- as if I'm a cat, even though I've never demonstrated any such actions or skillsets in my lifetime/resume.

Now, you all must know that a bunch of stray/street dogs running at full speed and barking loudly after your bike can make even a man of steel nervous, fidgety and even aggressive, but since I'm a *libertarian*, I'd like to give peace a chance. I've tried many things till date, such as lowering my bike's speed lest the dogs might be affronted by the amazing performance and speed of my all new bike Hero Honda CBZ-Extreme. But still their response has remained the same. In fact, in last couple of times, as soon as they've started running after me, I've stopped my bike in its tracks and have stared these dogs right in their eyes. And as soon as this remarkable action has happened, all dogs who were chasing me have quickly & almost pusillanimously ran away from me.. though it is not clear whether this happened due to the Hunk Effect. I in fact even thought of chasing after these stray dogs, but then my left brain did a quick google check on past brain records and found zero records for "chasing 10 stray barking dogs while on a bike without wearing any shoes, when it's not sure one of the dogs might be suffering from rabies", resulting which i had to cancel this dog hunting herding** plan.

Anyways, I'd like to know what can be the reasons behind this sudden burst of "barking+running+chasing-in-the-middle-of-night" activity from dogs. Here are the reasons, I've been able to come up with:

1) During the day time, we humans make life of a street dog exactly like most of we human lives i.e. "A dog's life". Now, it's obvious that nobody likes to be called an idiot, when he actually is***. So, it is obvious that a dog who doesn't wants to live "a dog's life" is therefore angry with humans. During night time, if it sees a lone tired human being, whose mojo is discharged after a long day in office, The dog just grabs the opportunity and wants to payback the human race in the same coin.

2) "It's my area" concept mentality.. a syndrome all Indians develop after they've boarded the train and occupied the seats. If you come and ask for some seat for yourself, you'll be ignored with an impolite "Bhaisaaheb, jagah kahaan hai? kahin aur dekh leejiye" (Well Sir.. can you see any empty spaces/seats here? Why don't you try finding them in some other compartment?) But during the day-time, it's not possible to occupy the seats to oneself as too many humans, rival area dogs and hot dog-girls(read bitches) seem to be moving around, however, during night-time, it's back to being Indian. So, as i venture into the area of street dogs (Of course, it's *encroachment* but for discussions sake, let's assume it's their area), they want to make the claim that this is their area where I'm an intruder and they'll defend it like six-pack-abed Spartans did more than 300 years ago.

3) All our entertainment magazines, tabloids, porn DVDs heavily promote a fetish for a doggie-style sex, without giving any royalty to the dogs for the use of the phrase or the inspired visuals.. Hence, the dog community as a whole is just plainly pissed off.

4) They want to show-off to their females that they and they only have got the real stuff. As a cliched proverb in Hindi says - "Apni gali mein to kutta bhi sher hota hai" (In its own territory, even a dog acts as a lion), Male dogs try to prove their alpha-maleness to the scenario watching bitches, so that they can get the dog-girls for some yanky spanky night out.

And now after reading this highly well researched stuff, which says:

It’s a common belief in India (possibly due to the high prevalence of stray, rabid dogs)that all dogs do is bite. People are afraid of dogs because they think dogs only do one thing, and that is to chase after and bite people. Dogs have better things to do than this.

I've become even more sadistic about my logical thinking capabilities and libertarian principles; whether I can ever match up to this level of intellectual analysis, and that, do dogs even know of any such thing as libertarian principles, and if not, whether we humans need to open dog libertarian societies and training centres, so as to bring socialistic principles not only to humans but also to animals, trees and their ilk.

My request to all of you is; Please reply to this question ASAP, as I've been increasingly becoming skeptical of this behaviour of dogs. Who knows, this might be the start of "2008 - the year of doom" as one Indian TV channel yesterday told us. One bark here.. and one bark there, can quickly turn into a war cry, and soon we might have a new problem in our hands -- from "Global warming" to "Global Barking".

Regards,
Himanshu
- - - - - - - - - - -

Appendix to this dogging letter:
  
**  Lest Animal right activists attempt a court-case on me.
*** Pointer not to me   

This one is from the 7th September issue of The Economist. Read it, it's absolutely hilarious. Even if they've got one or two arguable facts about the landing of commercial aircrafts on water, It exposes the duping tactics of commercial airlines.

The article speaks of an imaginary honest in-flight announcement from the cabin crew. Here are a few excerpts:

Please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

[..]

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of.

Today, as I was surfing on IBN Live website, I found this amazing Google Ad.

Heh! Here are the two screenshots of the job opening.

Best Google Ad ever

Prime minister of india - Google Ad

and when I clicked on the opening, It led me to Monster India homepage!! Heh. So, now I too can apply for the Prime minister of India post. Talk of Democracy and tools of empowering people!

Monster opening for Prime Minister

So, Now that I've applied for the Prime minister's post, I think i should get an interview call withing 2-3 days. I'll keep my fingers crossed. All readers, please wish me luck!

On other note, I just hope that all those buggers who made this blog a plea forum for getting a voter id card will spare me this time regarding wanting to get a help on "How to apply for the prime minister's post? I'm not able to find that Google Ad which you mentioned in your website. Please Help"!! Crap. FSM save me.

I thought that Voltas doing an Advertisement in India, in which a young village girl tries to capture a jar-ful of air conditioner's cooled air for her father working in farms was cute. But I never thought somebody would do it in real life and even plan to sell it too.

Prem Panicker writes:

A Chinese company that once tried to sell land on the Moon has lost an appeal against a court ruling that stopped it from selling bags of “World Cup air,” state media reported Wednesday.

Last December, the Chaoyang District People’s Court ruled against the company’s proposal to sell green plastic bags full of air from stadiums that hosted matches in the 2006 World Cup in Germany.

Li Jie, the company’s chief executive officer, had planned to sell the bags to soccer fans for 50 yuan ($6.60) each.

I am not making any of this up.

I'm telling you, It's all the result of climate change.

Found this funny legal letters exchange over a couple of Wooden Dams. And surfing elsewhere on vox for some humor, read this joke on baby planes. Heh.

Asking even Random questions can sometimes be so much entertaining and thought provoking.

While trying to find "What Women Want" would perhaps be now a bit less daunting, after the arrival of this super-blog in blogspace.

And, Investment Banking has two new funny brothers in the town - Microsoft and e-mail. Read this SOP to know more.

From the first link, I would put few questions here, which I immensely liked.

Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?

If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white?

Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?

If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?

Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

Enjoy!!

Cooling Glasses are in. Heh!

Came across this damn funny post while surfing on Vox. Kai, a Chinese girl now living in United States, talks about her mother in this post,

It is so endearingly frustrating growing up with a mother who is unable to speak proficient English.  She was doing all right for a while there, but once she moved to Hong Kong and was stripped of her immediate American connections, it just went downhill.  Once, I sprouted hope that she would eventually refer to Brad Pitt correctly, instead of calling him "Pitt Brad," but when she started up with the "Canadia" business, I gave up.

Face-to-face, it is much easier to communicate, mostly because anything she cannot express in English, she says in Chinese and conversations are punctuated with hand-gestures if verbal communication proves fruitless.  Much like the time I tried to make her understand what balls (yes, those balls) were, didn't know the Chinese term, and had to make cupping motions with my hand near my crotch.

That was fun.

Read the whole thing. It's too good to miss.

Talking of my parents, They do not know how to use a computer. No Windows, No double-clicks, No copy-paste-delete and No media players exist for them. They grew up in a generation when they never needed a PC, or perhaps didn't had the means to buy one. But they did buy me one. Today, when I am working, I know how much of hard work and sweat it is, to earn Rs. 37000 INR for buying a PC, and especially when you're working in a state electricity board with no prospects of salary increase for the whole of your life (Compared to my present appraisals, I would term their salary increments as nothing). I've been working and earning for past two years, but am yet to send any money to my parents. Well.. yes, I know, I ought to earn more.

I've been a crap in my studies since joining IT-BHU, my graduation University where I did my Chemical Engineering. I can't do any coding but still continue to write "Software Programmer" on my resume. I want to learn Economics, Market Research and Understand People, but don't know Where and How to begin. But again, Writing my problems on blog doesn't put the solutions in front of me. I will have to find them myself only...

Rather than leaving this post on a sad note, I'd blog about one incident from my Germany trip. When I was in Germany, I used gtalk (Google talk, a cousin brother of Skype) to have voice chats with my younger brother and family in India. Since my father had never used VoIP and had never even heard about it from, or amongst his colleagues, He thought We were making ISD calls and our phone bill would shoot to thousand of Rupees in next month. No amount of persuading by me or my brother dispelled his fears. Finally, when I and my brother crossed 30 minutes of voice chat (I had explored some new music while staying in Germany, and was playing songs on VoIP for my brother), My father asked my brother to end the chat because he couldn't believe an international voice chat could be free!!

Well.. Such is technology :) I love my parents. No, Seriously. Aren't they Cute, What do you say.

Dear Chattu
I've just given my 10th Boards and I want to become a death metal vocalist. But I have no idea about the profession. What institutes should I attend? Does the job pay well? Is long hair more susceptible to lice? Kindly advise.
-Lallan Singh

Dear Lallan
There are no institutes that offer a formal certification in Death Metal Vocalism, but you can train yourself at home. The first step is to start singing out loud. For inspiration, perform unprintable acts with a gorilla and imitate the noise that ensues. If your neighbours and family threaten to kill you, you'll know you're on the right track. However, if they like your   singing, you might actually be turning into (gasp) a popstar! Kill yourself before this happens.

Other profound career related questions have been answered in latest issue of JAM. Read them here.

The possible consequences of outsourced journalism can be immensely entertaining. Hehe.