4 posts tagged “humour”

just won't do. Citation needed.

Dear dog-lovers, haters and can't sayers,

I've this dog-problem of mine. No, i do not own a dog and don't seem to be in any mood of possessing one in any near future. Anyways, being a libertarian as I am, I believe that all people, dogs, superheroes and aliens have a right to bull-shit as much as they want, as long as they do it in their own houses. But since time-immemorial, I've been an observer to an unexplained event till date, that is -- Whenever during late in the night, if I go anywhere by my bike and the road through which I'm going is perfectly or mostly empty, then the bunch of stray dogs who are sitting cozily at the roadside till that very moment, suddenly start running after my bike while barking loudly -- as if I'm a cat, even though I've never demonstrated any such actions or skillsets in my lifetime/resume.

Now, you all must know that a bunch of stray/street dogs running at full speed and barking loudly after your bike can make even a man of steel nervous, fidgety and even aggressive, but since I'm a *libertarian*, I'd like to give peace a chance. I've tried many things till date, such as lowering my bike's speed lest the dogs might be affronted by the amazing performance and speed of my all new bike Hero Honda CBZ-Extreme. But still their response has remained the same. In fact, in last couple of times, as soon as they've started running after me, I've stopped my bike in its tracks and have stared these dogs right in their eyes. And as soon as this remarkable action has happened, all dogs who were chasing me have quickly & almost pusillanimously ran away from me.. though it is not clear whether this happened due to the Hunk Effect. I in fact even thought of chasing after these stray dogs, but then my left brain did a quick google check on past brain records and found zero records for "chasing 10 stray barking dogs while on a bike without wearing any shoes, when it's not sure one of the dogs might be suffering from rabies", resulting which i had to cancel this dog hunting herding** plan.

Anyways, I'd like to know what can be the reasons behind this sudden burst of "barking+running+chasing-in-the-middle-of-night" activity from dogs. Here are the reasons, I've been able to come up with:

1) During the day time, we humans make life of a street dog exactly like most of we human lives i.e. "A dog's life". Now, it's obvious that nobody likes to be called an idiot, when he actually is***. So, it is obvious that a dog who doesn't wants to live "a dog's life" is therefore angry with humans. During night time, if it sees a lone tired human being, whose mojo is discharged after a long day in office, The dog just grabs the opportunity and wants to payback the human race in the same coin.

2) "It's my area" concept mentality.. a syndrome all Indians develop after they've boarded the train and occupied the seats. If you come and ask for some seat for yourself, you'll be ignored with an impolite "Bhaisaaheb, jagah kahaan hai? kahin aur dekh leejiye" (Well Sir.. can you see any empty spaces/seats here? Why don't you try finding them in some other compartment?) But during the day-time, it's not possible to occupy the seats to oneself as too many humans, rival area dogs and hot dog-girls(read bitches) seem to be moving around, however, during night-time, it's back to being Indian. So, as i venture into the area of street dogs (Of course, it's *encroachment* but for discussions sake, let's assume it's their area), they want to make the claim that this is their area where I'm an intruder and they'll defend it like six-pack-abed Spartans did more than 300 years ago.

3) All our entertainment magazines, tabloids, porn DVDs heavily promote a fetish for a doggie-style sex, without giving any royalty to the dogs for the use of the phrase or the inspired visuals.. Hence, the dog community as a whole is just plainly pissed off.

4) They want to show-off to their females that they and they only have got the real stuff. As a cliched proverb in Hindi says - "Apni gali mein to kutta bhi sher hota hai" (In its own territory, even a dog acts as a lion), Male dogs try to prove their alpha-maleness to the scenario watching bitches, so that they can get the dog-girls for some yanky spanky night out.

And now after reading this highly well researched stuff, which says:

It’s a common belief in India (possibly due to the high prevalence of stray, rabid dogs)that all dogs do is bite. People are afraid of dogs because they think dogs only do one thing, and that is to chase after and bite people. Dogs have better things to do than this.

I've become even more sadistic about my logical thinking capabilities and libertarian principles; whether I can ever match up to this level of intellectual analysis, and that, do dogs even know of any such thing as libertarian principles, and if not, whether we humans need to open dog libertarian societies and training centres, so as to bring socialistic principles not only to humans but also to animals, trees and their ilk.

My request to all of you is; Please reply to this question ASAP, as I've been increasingly becoming skeptical of this behaviour of dogs. Who knows, this might be the start of "2008 - the year of doom" as one Indian TV channel yesterday told us. One bark here.. and one bark there, can quickly turn into a war cry, and soon we might have a new problem in our hands -- from "Global warming" to "Global Barking".

Regards,
Himanshu
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Appendix to this dogging letter:
  
**  Lest Animal right activists attempt a court-case on me.
*** Pointer not to me   

Every few days, it happens that we encounter some research study results published in newspapers which don't make any sense to any of us, and yet, we all read these kind of stories. I guess, it would have been good if these stories were funded by the media organizations for increasing their readership/viewership but as it always happens, it's the government which funds these brains-put-into-drain studies.

One such study which i found in newspapers few days back was about divorce being bad for environment as two people tend to live cheaply and consume less resources (electricity, land, etc.) together. Today, I read Russel Robert's rejoinder on this report and couldn't suppress my laughs. Go read it.

Also, few days back, I read one more story (i forgot its link) in which it was said that those who start with sex at a very young age(around 14 years) tend to be more susceptible to STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) while those who have their first sexual experience very late (i.e. after 22 years) are at a risk of having a lower sperm count. It was found that optimal age for first sexual experience is around 18 years. Also, the results of reports were considered to be important as the results went against the conventional religious beliefs of sexual abstinence before marriage.

It's tough being just a plain human being, especially when such mind-boggling research goes around in our tax-funded universities.